Day thirteen... hold on for this one...

With each blog, I feel that my thoughts and emotions have been censored to an audience, such as you who read this. My first blog I wrote as a journal, uncensored with my total thought and feelings poured out on the page without thought. And I just decided to put it online for people to follow my heart. But then I got used to blogging for an audience rather than only for myself. This blog entry will be a pure journal of my thoughts and emotions. As I write this journal, I will write as if no one will read. I will write without thinking. I will put my heart on this paper as much as I can because many emotions need to be let out.

I never thought that coming to Panama would affect me so much. I did not know that it would greatly change my view on life and how to live it. I thought I would come to Panama to say a few words about God... but I has turned that God has been the one to say many words to me. As I sit here in tears, I can’t seem to piece together all that has gone on in my heart today and in the days past. I didn’t expect to be a changed woman of God when I returned. But I can truly say now that I was wrong. God has shown me new breath. God has taught me many lessons that needed to be taught. He has made me confident in my faith and characteristics. He has taught me to confront and talk about things going on in my heart (such as these feelings of both joy and sorrow) rather than keeping them inside thinking I can deal with things on my own. I will miss the loud music, talking, and honking that goes o outside my window in the wee hours of the night. I will miss how the people of Panama let God’s spirit move freely. I will miss the peace and patience that comes along with Panama... of how you can be sitting in stopped traffic for hours, and rather than seeing it as a detriment to your schedule as we would in the US, here it is an opportunity. It was an opportunity to invest in young precious Inka. Today I celebrate God’s great work. Today I reflect on the power of God and the hold that He now has on me. I love who Panama makes me. I love who I am here. Here I am completely and utterly selfless. Here I slow down to let God move. Here I am willing. Here I am a sacrifice.

Today Sarah woke me up at 5 to say another goodbye. She has always been my alarm because I don’t have one, so I had to come up with a way to wake myself up. I could set an alarm on my computer, but my computer falls asleep and the alarm fails to do its job. I woke up on time. I put on my authentic Panamanian shirt and made lunches for the crew. God even works in our lunch meat and cheese. Today was the last day we needed to make sandwiches and today we used up the last pieces of the meat and cheese perfectly. I can’t explain the feeling of losing a team member that you have spent everyday with for the past 2 weeks. It’s... difficult. It’s different. It’s a lonely feeling at first, for example knowing that when I cry, Sarah’s hand won’t be there to grab mine in comfort. She won’t be there to talk to when I have just said goodbye to students. While at once we had a team of 4, now only stands Terry and I. So how do I explain Terry...? Terry is my dad of this trip. If pauses in words could be shown on paper by holding down the space bar, there may have been several blank pages of reflection and tears. Terry was specifically placed by God to be partnered here with me in the last couple of days. His personality and his character could not have been a better fir for my comfort as I go through these last beautiful days here. Today, Libby came to the school with us in place of Sarah. It was her first time teaching the students, so she was nervous at first, which is nothing out of the ordinary. But God was at work to make her feel more comfortable because I had a 10am student, but she did not. This meant that she was able to sit in on my lesson and get a feel for what it was going to be like. I’m sure it didn’t take away all of the anxiety, but I know that it helped a little. Libby did an amazing job for the work of the Lord today. At 4, the rest of the team showed up (Mike and the Richardson’s) so that Lynne could talk with some of the teachers. Long story very short, Mike laid a job offer on me to take a year off from school this year and teach kindergarten/first grade here. Meaning I would come back in 2 weeks with my bags packed for a year long stay here in Panama as an elementary teacher. I looked at Terry thinking, what is going on. I thought for sure that someone was going to walk into the room with a video camera. I said I cannot make this decision right now. It surprised me that I didn’t say no right away. There are many things that go along with this. I would be paid monthly and staying for free at Delores’. I would be here for Delores in her time of grieving from losing her husband. The timing seems perfect. I would get to be a part of a vision for this school. A time of growth that I may not be able to experience if I were to come back after I graduate. I would also be apart of Iglesia de Cristo church planting progress. How amazing to be a part of planting a church at 20 years old. Yet at the same time, I have tuition paid for this coming year at college. I’ve expected and have planned to attend next year since day one of attending that school. My ultimate dream is to graduate and then travel, so why is this opportunity so picking at my skin. I have my Jr. High girls’ small group to invest in back in Washington. I became overwhelmed with thoughts. I hopped in the car with Terry to head home and simply said, “How does a 19 year old make a decision like this?” We talked about it the entire way home. And this is why I said earlier that I could not even speak when trying to explain Terry’s comfort to me. His tone of voice and the things he said helped me to sort out my emotions. He gave realistic scenarios and viewpoints from a parent. He gave me words of wisdom of how to go about deciding with God. I got back to the house with different feelings from the morning. This morning I was extremely excited about the party that we had tonight. I was looking forward to it because of the amazing time we had at last Friday’s party. But now, I seemed to have forgotten about the party and feelings of confusion and worry came over me. I said I need to see this school. I need to meet Edwin (the man who started the school and offered the job). So Mike ran me to the school quickly to catch Edwin while he was still there. On the way I made myself talk out my feelings. God uses scenarios such as these to build me. To show me that I need to confront my feelings and not just push them under a rug. God has strengthened me and I talked it out. We got to the school and I saw Edwin. I saw the school. I met the children and my heart was hanging on. My heart was excited. But still everything in me was confused. The timing of situations is so perfect here as I explained earlier, so then why do I still feel convicted to stay at school? To go with the original plan. I love Panama; I would love to stay here. Am I still confused? Sure I am. Have I talked to my parents yet? No because I haven’t had time to call. (So... sorry mom and dad if you’re freaking out right now.) I toyed with the idea of staying, where as most people would have said no way. Maybe I’m still toying with it, but the more I think and pray about it... the more I talk to God... the more he leads me back to school in Washington to wait for a different time for me to travel. Tonight has been emotional. Today has been emotional. At 19, I’m experiencing more than I ever thought I would. I put my emotions and thoughts on the backburner so that I could fully enjoy the party. And that is exactly what I did. We had a blast!! Pictionary, nachos, and ice cream with brownie batter poured on top. The company was needed. My time tonight at the party was a true incredible blessing. As everyone left, Terry gave me a tap on the shoulder and said, “Don’t stay up all night thinking.” When he said that, I remembered... my eyes started to tear up, but I had to hold it together as I was saying by to these amazing people (Christian, Christopher, and their family). Who knows when I will see them again. I pray that God brings me back here.

And for those who are still listening... do not worry about me feeling sad. For most of my tears are of joy from God’s amazing work. Tonight some may say that I am alone, but I am not because God is here with me and I would have it no other way. I am filled with so much joy and gratitude for this experience here in Panama. The Lord is worthy to be praised.